Saturday, January 15, 2011

Settling down but not settling down...

The longing to be back in the US, living my previous life has been steadily receding, I am also beginning to feel happy about being back in India. I still continue to feel alien for the most part but I also feel at home more often. I still struggle to accept the easy manner in which people invade our privacy here but I am beginning to harden myself into maintaining my boundaries according to my needs. I am still confused about my place and my sense of self but I am beginning to accept that I will never be one thing or the other but a cultural mongrel of sorts and that is ok.
What I have not been able to do so far is actually work on putting down my roots here. For reasons unknown I balk at the thought of complete acceptance. This is funny because I remember going through the same feelings during my first couple years in the US. There was this fear of letting my old familiar self go in order to become the different person I needed to be to survive in a totally different environment. I never once thought I would feel the same on my return to India. But then, that's how matters stand, I am going through a similar struggle all over again and sometimes it all gets so overwhelming that I long to fly back in time and space to my cozy little apartment overlooking the chagrin valley in Northeast Ohio. At other times, it feels good to be back in this country of mine with her relaxed air and abundant sunshine. Go figure!


  1. Roona - Very nicely put. We are in month 6 of our move here and I am going through the same emotions.. Some days I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and feel sad/nervous about it and other days I am ok about it. I feel it was somehow ok not to fit it into the life in US because it is not your own country.. but, wonder, worry and scared as to why I don't fit in here also. But, I think life is not about fitting in, but to live it as we think appropriate and find the peace and joy ourselves

  2. Hi are so right...feeling out of place in India is so much more difficult to digest and cope with! Sometimes I panic wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going be - feeling torn between two countries and cultures...and then I tell myself to stop brooding and get on with my life...but of course doing it never seems to be as easy as telling myself to do it!!

  3. Well put ... I have been longing back of the same feeling perticularly when getting things done take a long wait for no cause of yours. Also, people are soe enquisitive... everyone intrroduces like US return but very few after 18 years in India do not wish to introduce as an Indian with a single achievement... Makes one feel is this your home country ... at least back in US, people did not much care about this differentiation.